2 Hour Mom By Choice

I am a guilty person by nature. Guilty that I had to move 400 miles to separate myself from my family, leaving my mother behind. Guilty that I found a passion in life and was able to make a stay-at-home career out of it (which pays me enough to afford some wonderful luxuries in life), leaving my husband to the daily grind of the 9-5. And, maybe the biggest, guilty that I am a 2 hour mom - by choice.

At first it was going to be two days of daycare a week for socialization. By the time we finally got in at 6 months I bumped it to 3 days for a break (and a little extra time to work). We stayed in 3 days for the next 2 years until I had a perfect excuse - a major project deadline. I thought "just this month I'll put him in full time". The most incredible thing happened - we were both happy. I had time to be productive, I didn't have to worry about filling the day with learning activities, and neither of us were wondering "what's next?". There was no turning back.

I think my son and I were implanted with some type of magnets early on. He is a very clingy child. He would much rather crawl all over me on the couch than play with the mountain of toys in his room. To get him to focus on something other than Mommy has been difficult. If Mommy is in the room nothing else matters. I even have play dates with other friends where we sit there and he hangs on me while his friends play by themselves. It's frustrating for a person like me who has an extraordinarily large personal bubble. He has actually improved quite a bit over the last two weeks. I can tell him to go play in his room and I will actually get some peace for about 10 minutes. I call that progress.

I am a bi-polar mom as well and it seems that, the majority of the time, even the two hours I am responsible for are a struggle. By the time I get him from school we have both had a full day, we're tired, hungry, unable to cope. It takes all the energy I have left just to feed, bathe, and do story time. All he wants is a little bit of my attention (well, all of it actually) and all I want to do is crawl up in bed and recharge for an hour. I have a hard time asking my husband for help. I figure I got to work from home all day - how can I ask him to do all the work when he had to struggle somewhere else with a job that he doesn't enjoy as much as I do? Of course that is ridiculous, but that's how my brain works.

I am sure that is quite enough for today. Just wanted an introductory blog to get the picture started. I use to write all the time and I always felt better. This may never be read but at least it is off my chest. I don't have time for my art anymore so I might as well put a little effort into some cathartic blogging. Thanks for listening.