Tranquility

There is something so relaxing about the sound of a sleeping child.

Guilt dreams

I took a quick trip out of town and left the 3-year-old alone with daddy. I put my phone on vibrate and headed to a networking reception. When my gut insticts told me it might be getting close to bedtime in Austin, I checked my phone - missed call from home 15 mins ago. Phone was on silent instead of vibrate. Called home to say goodnight, and it seems that the kiddo was not being perfectly good that evening and hubby put him down to bed early.

WHAT?

I missed saying goodnight to my kid! Not that there's much exchange on these calls... they tend to go like this:
 "Hi pumpkin head! how was your day?"
"Hi mommy. Are you coming home?"
"Tomorrow, baby. I'll pick you up from school tomorrow."
"Ok."
-crumble, static, noise, crumble, mumble -
- mumbled voice - "don't hit buttons, Reilly"
 - mumbled voice - "why?"
-mumbmled voice - "because you'll hang up on mommy."
- CLICK.
Then a series of calls saying I guess he doesn't want to talk anymore, say goodnight for me, etc. etc.

Yes, I know how these calls will go and they are relatively unfulfilling in the realm of deep discussions, but they are the necessary end to the day. AND I MISSED IT!

I had no idea that missing that call would make me so sad! I even had a really crazy weird dream last night that I had a baby and he was switched at the hospital with the baby of a friend of mine. The baby I was given was actually a friend of mine's kid, and we decided that since we'd already had the kid for a few hours, we should just keep the ones the hospital gave us. During the dream I couldn't remember what my real baby looked like! The new kid I was given was really cute, but a different ethnicity than my family, so it was obvious that it wasn't mine. What a troubling dream!

Yes, I woke up remembering clearly what my own kid looks like. I was only gone for 2 nights, after all. I'm now on the plane heading home and will pick up the monster child from school.

2-Hour-Mom guilt dreams SUCK!!!

Living Between the Peaks and Valleys

I'm having a mood swing in the wrong direction. I am a web-based applications developer and last week it really hit home that one of my long time clients will be moving to another application and not coming back. They have been with me for about 7 years now and we have taken their application from drab to fabulous. It was the perfect relationship: they would give me the big picture and I would figure out how to make it happen. They also made up 60% of my income. As I am paying taxes this month it has come to my attention that I may have to scale back. Then, a TERRIBLE thought came to mind - what if I had to give up daycare? My husband says that my oldest would be in kindergarten so I would only have to manage Kallie which wouldn't be so bad. ARE YOU KIDDING? She's right at the difficult stage: old enough to be curious about everything and know when mommy is in the room, almost old enough to start exploring and getting into everything, but not old enough to do ANYTHING on her own. I've been thinking about it all day - how much of my mental stability is due to the help and support of daycare? What if I had to become a FULL TIME mom? When I step out of my brain this sounds like a silly discussion but I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe I should have thought about that before getting pregnant. Is it horrible that I rely on daycare to help raise my children? I am bipolar and still un-medicated while nursing. I've realized how very fragile my emotional state is. I guess my life has been so stable for so long that I was blissfully unaware how close to the peaks and valleys I actually lived. Losing daycare just isn't an option for me. If I didn't have daycare I would have the kids around and wouldn't be able to focus, if I can't focus then I can't work, if I can't work then I start feeling useless, then comes the crying which would be bad for everyone. I would give up a LOT before I gave up daycare. I would eat turkey sandwiches at home every day, drive a Neon, and rent out a room in the house before I gave it up.