Living Between the Peaks and Valleys

I'm having a mood swing in the wrong direction. I am a web-based applications developer and last week it really hit home that one of my long time clients will be moving to another application and not coming back. They have been with me for about 7 years now and we have taken their application from drab to fabulous. It was the perfect relationship: they would give me the big picture and I would figure out how to make it happen. They also made up 60% of my income. As I am paying taxes this month it has come to my attention that I may have to scale back. Then, a TERRIBLE thought came to mind - what if I had to give up daycare? My husband says that my oldest would be in kindergarten so I would only have to manage Kallie which wouldn't be so bad. ARE YOU KIDDING? She's right at the difficult stage: old enough to be curious about everything and know when mommy is in the room, almost old enough to start exploring and getting into everything, but not old enough to do ANYTHING on her own. I've been thinking about it all day - how much of my mental stability is due to the help and support of daycare? What if I had to become a FULL TIME mom? When I step out of my brain this sounds like a silly discussion but I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe I should have thought about that before getting pregnant. Is it horrible that I rely on daycare to help raise my children? I am bipolar and still un-medicated while nursing. I've realized how very fragile my emotional state is. I guess my life has been so stable for so long that I was blissfully unaware how close to the peaks and valleys I actually lived. Losing daycare just isn't an option for me. If I didn't have daycare I would have the kids around and wouldn't be able to focus, if I can't focus then I can't work, if I can't work then I start feeling useless, then comes the crying which would be bad for everyone. I would give up a LOT before I gave up daycare. I would eat turkey sandwiches at home every day, drive a Neon, and rent out a room in the house before I gave it up.

Baby's growing up

We officially went from Crib to Toddler Bed this weekend. The rule was that Reilly had to know all the letters of the alphabet (as in be able to recognize them out of order). He successfully passed our latest quiz on Friday. We went bed shopping on Saturday. He LOVED the idea of the bunkbed/loft, but being only 3, we were a little worried about that one. There were several others he liked, but we weren't fans of the pricetag. So 3 hours of bed shopping yielded us thinking we would hit ye old Swedish furniture store the next day.

That night, I took the front rail off the crib, so he could try out his new-found freedom. He celebrated this freedom with lots of play... until about 10:30 that night, actually. On the plus side, he slept til 9am on Sunday!

Naptime on Sunday yielded poor results, as well. No nap. Just play.

Bedtime on Sunday was a step in the right direction. I think he was asleep by 9. Only woke up once during the night, and was in such a great mood this morning that he was singing when I went in!

I'm so proud that he's thrilled to be a big boy!

And I just got sent photos of my friend's new baby girl. So tiny. So cute. So peaceful.

Almost makes me interested in another one.

Almost.

The Bathroom Door is Closed

Love this. Worth a post on the blog!
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Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

...I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

...Author Unknown

2-Hour-Mom + sick kid

The plus side of having a sick kid is that you are forced to have more than 2 hours a day with him. They aren't the best hours you could ever have, but they must count as quality time together!

My daycare was closed today for a teacher in-service day, so I had to call my office's "back-up care" to come stay with the kiddo. Cute little college girl, very sweet. She called me at about 12:15 and said that the kiddo had started wearing down a bit and saying his head hurt. She found a themometer and lo-and-behold: 101.4. She is not allowed to dispense medicine, so I had to come home.

True kid sickness is easy for a working mom. A sick 3yo means you dose him with drugs and put him to bed. He sleeps for 3 hours, then is lazy for a couple hours, then goes to bed for the night.

The next day, is the hard day for a working mom: He's FINE. No fever. No sluggishness. But isn't allowed to go to daycare because of the 24-hour-fever-free rule. But he's not sick. Therefore, you can't do conference calls, you can't get work done becuase he wants to play! engage! learn! build a fort! THIS is where the working mom runs into a problem and the guilt kicks in.

Luckily for me, the cute little back-up care nanny is going to come back tomorrow to help me out, but I still feel so guilty about it!

Out For a Swim in the Sea of Responsibility

As I am drowning in stress I find myself wondering how I ended up with all of the parenting responsibilities. I am bipolar and require more sleep than most people and yet I am the one waking up twice a night to feed our 4 month old and the one waking up to get both kids ready, bottles made, teeth brushed, gear packed, and driving them to daycare before 9. My job comes with deadlines and launch calendars but I'm on full-time mommy duty when one of the kids gets sick (which is ALL the time this winter). And at the end of the day when the stress is piled the highest, when I am rushing to get to a stopping point, when 3:30 turns to 6 within a blink of an eye, that's when I get a gentle nudge "You're still here?". Then there's dinner to plan which has been fast and frozen food for as long as I can remember. As soon as I sit down the youngest is hungry or the oldest is finished and wants more. It is a rare evening I get to eat a hot meal. No time to rest because then it's bath, brush, and story time. After all is said and done I have accomplished little and slept less. Do I go straight to bed? What about "me" time? All day I've been a business owner, a programmer, and a mommy, when do I squeeze in being a wife?

I usually get the advice to "ask for help". Tell me, when you ask for help from someone does it ever actually help? In my case I get a "I guess" response which means he is willing to help but he isn't happy about it. Then, I spend the remainder of the time feeling guilt which isn't helpful at all. Just once I would like a little help without having to ask for it.

I know one day my husband will come across this blog and he will like 1) be angry that I am sharing this with the world and 2) be a little mystified why I didn't communicate this with him first. A few months ago when my youngest was born he would wake up after my morning feeding and watch both of them while I slept another 3 hours. I can't tell you how much rest you can get when you know both of your children are being taken care of and you don't have to watch the baby monitor or wonder when your oldest is going to come wake you up. I got more sleep in those 3 hours then any other time. I miss that. I miss the peace of mind. I miss the help. I need a life line.

A 2-Hour-Mom in Vegas

Two weeks ago I took a 6 day trip to Las Vegas on business. 6 days where my 3-year-old was left alone with his father. An awesome father, mind you, but a father. Which meant that I still had to do kid laundry before I left, lay out what lunches would be for the week, and make a list of breakfast and dinner foods the child would eat. And the very second that I returned, I was handed the child and told that I should consider myself lucky that they hadn't both gone feral. So 6 straight days of working sometimes 14-hour days, and I come home to a husband and kid who love me, but don't allow me any chance to recuperate!

The one fabulous thing about that trip was that, even though I still went to bed too late and had to get up too early, there was no chance of being awakened in the middle of the night with the sweet-but-still-middle-of-the-night sound of "Mommy!" coming from the other room.

So I got home at just about midnight on Thursday night, got up at 6:30 Friday morning to get the kid ready, make his lunch, and get him to daycare (thankfully, hubby took him to school)... and I must admit I went back to bed. And didn't wake up until 2pm!

Ah, working mother.

Baby Blues

Hello world, it's been awhile. It seems like everything gets put on hold while you have a baby. Actually, it feels like the world passes you by when you have a baby. It's even scarier when you work for yourself. There isn't a law that says I get my job back after maternity leave. I have to tell you that it was incredibly difficult going from a entrepreneur/programmer to a new full time mom in a week. All of the sudden I am needed 24/7 and am called to action at least every 3 hours. At first, babies don't do much and mothering is more about troubleshooting. Now that she is almost 4 months we are into the entertainment portion of development. This is where my patience runs out. This is where I cry for help and am thankful for daycare. Unfortunately, with daycare comes illness. She has already come home with a cold and now RSV and how on earth can you breastfeed and NOT get all of their illnesses? I have been sick more in the last two months than I have in the last two years. So much for going back to work. I can't get anything done!